Cup Sizes

Why are Americans obsessed with huge cups? Go almost anywhere else in the world and you'll find that (in most cases) the largest cup of coffee you can order is 12 oz (except that no place else in the world uses ounces to measure...). In Italy, 8 oz is a large cup of coffee; In the US, 20 oz is on the small side for large cups while 8 oz might not even be on the menu (e.g. The Green Beast). My wife once saw a guy carrying a gargantuan (100 oz?) cup of coffee out of gas station. The cup was as large as his abdomen.

"Please give me one barrel of your freshest coffee and a hose to suck it through."

What? I am afraid that we aren't looking for quality in coffee, but rather the best dollar-to-ounce ratio possible. Is that really the direction we want to go? Isn't 20 oz a bit much to injest at one sitting? Most of us wouldn't drink a 20 oz glass of milk at home, yet we have no qualms about ordering a latte that size. It's as if we lose all sense of proportion when we enter a coffee shop. "Give me the biggest cup you have!" is our rallying cry.

Sadly, I don't think there's any reversing this trend. We are a country that demands "bigger and better" and that usually equates the two. From coffee to cars, we want the biggest product possible.

Please, let's work together on this. Let's pledge to each other that from here on out we will drink out of normal sized cups!

-Larry J.P.

On Caffeine

It should go without saying that I'm fairly addicted to caffeine. I feel mildly sorry about that. I remember when I used to wake up with energy at 5:30 in the morning. Yeah, I wasn't normal.

Anyway, I'm addicted, but I try to manage my intake to just the right level. Lately I've noticed that a lot of my angst starts to build when I'm compensating for too little sleep with too much coffee. That's when I'm most likely to make snide remarks about people's drink orders and not feel the least bit sorry about it (until the next day). Well, I can't really recall making snide remarks in particular, but others assure me that I do, so I must.

The past couple of days I got plenty of sleep and drank less caffeine. I happily poured nonfat milk into some lady's Ethiopian Yergacheffe. I did not scowl when some guy ordered a skinny latte (though I did, kindly, tell him to please call it 'non-fat'). "What is wrong with me?" I querried. "Where has your angst gone?"

It actually is a better to live without the angst, I guess. I mean, I'm not overly proud that I've been called a coffee prima donna. Entertained? Yes.

On Straws

I have something against people who use straws to drink hot coffee. Why do you do it?

I have a burly looking customer who rolls up to the drive-thru, orders a vanilla latte, and when I hand it to him, he asks for a straw.

Isn't it enough that you're drinking a vanilla latte? Must you lower yourself and all humanity even more by drinking it with a straw? (O.K. that last comment was a bit over the top.)

While I can't always recognize a straw-user by age, sex, or manner of dress, I can tell you that there is a direct relation between the sweetness of the drink and the use of straws: the more a customer must "cover up that nasty coffee taste" with syrups, the more likely they are to use a straw. And the more likely I am to roll my eyes and feel a surge of ugly, inner anger.

Why did I even bother working so hard to give you perfect espresso?
Why did I froth your milk so smoothly?

Your straw ordering ways make me feel like I'm working at the Sev instead of a high end espresso shop.

Ask for a straw with your hot drink once, and you can be sure I won't take you seriously ever again, or work hard to make you drink perfect--I'll know that you don't really care.

True, I won't kick you out of the shop. I'll serve you with a smile. You may never know the difference. And I guess, that's the point--if you don't know the difference, why don't you just go get a Super-Big Gulp instead?

Blend Naming Contest

Not really a contest, but I like the idea of collecting a list of potential blend names, as we are always coming up with new blends. Usually the names we give the blends are rather benign and "vanilla". That's probably how it should be. But as I was roasting today, a few funny names popped into my head and I thought--why not compile a list? So I am compiling a list, and you can help. You can pretend it's a contest, too. Maybe I'll even use the name you come up with. But you'll get no money, and I claim all the credit. Unless you sue. Then I'll give you some credit. Or if the name sucks but I don't realize it untill too late...you'll get the credit.


-Hold the Flavor Blend (For Grandmas and Grandpas)
-Burn It To a Crisp and Then Add milk Blend (For those addicted to Seattle-style coffee)
-I Don't Have any Idea of What's Good But I Want To Look Sophisticated When I Drink Coffee Blend (Self Explanatory)
-Super Pooper Blend (For those in need of digestive aid)
-Why Does This Cost So Much Blend (For those who can't understand why coffee should cost more than 25 cents a cup like it used to at the gas station...)
-Crochety Priest Blend (Self explanatory)
-Dislocated hip blend (who knows?)
-Ramming Speed!!!
-Floor Coffee Blend (what to do with the roastery sweepings at the end of the day) (also known as "Matt's Decaf")
-Are You Sure That's Decaf?! Blend (a good trick to play on my decaf drinking aunt)
-Scurvy Swill (See "Floor Coffee")

more to come?

On Tasting Coffee

A middle aged man walked into the shop a few days ago, struck up a conversation. I held back a bit at first, acting only mildly interested, waiting to see if he really wanted to talk coffee. Slowly he built up my trust and I launched into a diatribe on the brown-bean, from origins to processing to roast. My enthusiasm grew and our conversation became loud and animated. Soon he asked for a tasting. I pulled out a new Harrar--blueberried and medium bodied. Not perfect, a bit pungent, but definitely good and very interesting.

I poured him a small cup from the french press.

DISASTER

Before even smelling it he looked up at me:

"I'll need to try it with cream and sugar."

Yeah, good idea. And next time you're at a nice restaurant, ask for ketchup with your $50 steak. Truly you are a man with refined taste.

"Ok," I reply as I demolish any unique flavor in his coffee with his requested adulterations.

"Oh that's good," he smiles, and walks out the door, a satisfied grin on his face.

Well, seeing as this here is my first post, I'll splain the bloggage a bit.

You've heard of going postal. Well, someday "going barista" will replace that frase: There's a lot of pent up Barista rage out there, built up and waiting to explode; yes it will explode. Not from me, but there's a whole fleet of Angst Ridden Baristi (ARB) working for the Green Beast, and they're going portafilter some lady's forehead when she asks for 5/7ths of a "sweet 'n' low packet" in her Skinny Latte. (Well, since the beast replaced its real espresso machines with "super-automatics", their baristi no longer have portafilters to beat people with. Nice move, Howard--always one step ahead).

That won't be me, like I said, but I will be giving my barista perspective on life, and why you get so much tude when you order a Venti Cap.

Should be funny and mildly disturbing.

With love,

Larry J.P.