On Greek Coffee

Gregory, currently of Thessaloniki, Greece, (http://www.edwardsingreece.blogspot.com/ ) inspired this one...

For those of you who have never been to Greece, there is no way that you can understand or appreciate the insanity of life there; Neither will you believe what I say about it, casting my words off as the most ridiculous exaggeration. I assure that in the following essay, I am as level-headed and even-handed as a person can be. I have sustained no head injuries, nor was I recently jilted by a Greek lover. I have no ulterior motive, save perhaps to put painful realities into a humorous light. Indeed, though you will likely deem me harsh and uncouth, to those who know Greece, my words will seem an innocent child's storybook version of the truth: watered down, covering the worst, pulling punches when harsh judgement is required. But I digress...

Greek society does not function; Well, you might say it functions, but in the way that chaos might be said to "function." It's as if someone organized a crazy-person think tank, and Greece was the fruit of its labors. That's not to say that I don't like Greece or the Greek people, because I do. But these people are crazy. They are, literally, ready to riot on a moment's notice for any reason at all. "What's this? A riot? What's the cause? Who cares? I'm in!" Ditto for going on strike. The rule of thumb for Greeks is to consider laws as some sort of personal challenge: something to be conquered, avoided, ignored, but certainly never obeyed. To add to the entertainment, this is a land where rumors are routinely reported as fact on the television news. These people, many of whom are much more educated than I could hope to be, will believe the most ridiculous rumors: "I do no drink the Coca-Cola. They put the blood of babies in it." (What?)

Greeks are perhaps the most xenophobic, ethnocentric people I have met. They will angrily denounce war, especially when it comes to the U.S. (and rightfully so, usually), but they will hear no evil spoken of Alexander the Great and his war conquests. Many of them believe that Christopher Columbus was Greek, and they will fight you (really, fisticuffs, not joking) if you insist otherwise. To Greeks, everything Greek is good, and they don't trust anything from "the outside."

Coffee came to the Greeks via the Turks in the 15th century as they conquered the Roman ("Byzantine") empire. In fact, the first "coffee house" in recorded history was in Constantinople, the former capitol of the Roman (Greek) empire. (A little side note: the term "Greek" is left over propaganda from Charlemagne, not their actual name. Greeks call themselves Hellenes or Romans. The term "Byzantine", likewise is the invention of Western European historians. The "Byzantines" were really "Romans." Now, back to coffee...) The coffee these conquering Turks brought came from the southern tip of the Arabian Peninsula (Yemen) and/or Ethiopia, the birthplace of cafe arabica (good tasting coffee). The Turks, the Greeks, and almost everyone in the eastern Mediterranean prepared coffee by grinding the beans to a fine powder, adding spices and sweeteners and boiling it in a tiny pot called an ibrik. The coffee was served in a tiny (2 oz or so) cup. This is still the the way coffee is prepared today in the near and middle East. It is reasonable to assume that this coffee was fairly high quality. If not up to today's "specialty" standards, at least it did not contain any cafe robusta, that super-nasty tasting coffee originating in the West African low-lands. Greeks and Turks and Armenians and Assyrians and all other people in the Turkish Ottoman Empire roasted and ground their own coffee, thus it was nice and fresh: yummy. This was the status quo from the 15th century more or less until World War II, which saw the shift of coffee agriculture swing to Brazil. Somewhere in the World War and in the ensuing four year civil war, Greeks forgot what coffee was supposed to be like (understandably so). They started using low quality Brazilian robusta beans, perhaps also mixed with low quality arabica. Moreover, they started using a super-light "Cinnamon" roast (a super light brown color of the bean, not cinnamon flavored). It should go without saying that I'm all for light roasts. But the light roast they are using is ridiculously light--right around first crack (about 400 degrees), which is too light even by light roast lovers' standards. That said, I would only roast very high quality coffee at a light roast; the beans the Greeks use is of the lowest grade. If ever there were a case for dark roasted coffee, the beans the Greeks use could be the deal maker. The natural taste of this coffee needs to be covered, destroyed: burn it, add flavorings, anything--the coffee flavor has nowhere to go but up.

If you know Greeks (and I should point out that I have Greek ancestry and lived in Greece for a year), it goes without saying that they cannot hear any of this. They sincerely believe their coffee is wonderful, and might come to blows in an argument if you were to tell them the facts above. They also believe that the coffee they use now is traditional Greek coffee. If you were to give them the fresh-roasted, fresh-ground, African coffee of their ancestors, they would not accept it, believing it to be some exotic innovation (not a compliment for a Greek).

It gets worse still... If you ask a Greek for the "really good stuff," you would probably be served "ena nes," that is, Nescafe instant coffee. The only thing that makes this stuff tolerable is that they usually mix it into a "frappe" (frap-ay), a drink made my mixing a spoonful of instant coffee, a spoon or two of sugar and a tiny bit of water, shaking it all up until it's frothy, then serving it over ice with a bit more cold water and cream. The downside is that they charge you 4 euros for it, and believe it's gourmet.

Well, now you probably think I hate Greece. I do despise the coffee, and the culture can take some getting used to, but I love Greece and look forward to returning. I'll just bring my own coffee...