Now you're all in big, big trouble...

I have been chewing on some nasty gum for quite some time and I'm afraid I have to spit it out now. On you. Sorry. Yes, it is time for another bitter rant.

Our downtown is choked with coffee shops making, at best, mediocre coffee. (My apologies to Colville Street Patisserie. You are the exception. And your food has turned me into your love slave.) (Love slave?I'm sorry, you'd already lost me with the gum part.)
It is my pet theory that these wretched coffee shops (9 of them in the tiny downtown) have opened with a thought process like this:

"Hey, look at all those people in Starbucks."
"Yeah, I just love hanging out there. And they're making lots of money."
"But it's a big corporation. That's not good."
"You're right. Hey, lets open our own shop, like our own Starbucks."
"Yeah, it can be just like Starbucks, but not. "
"That's like, almost deep, man."
"I know."

Starbucks, as vanilla as it is today, started impressively. They were coffee fanatics, inspired by the espresso tradition of Italy--much like other, small, soulful coffee roasters/shops of today. (Espresso Vivace comes to mind.) In contrast, the shops opening up in my little town seem to be using the Starbucks of today (the soul-less corporate shell) as their model--they're trying to out-starbucks Starbucks. That's not an improvement. Indeed, Starbucks is hard to beat at its own game: they are making better coffee than 99% of their imitators. These imitator shops are simply the flip side of the same coin as Starbucks: one side corporate and soul-less; the other small and soul-less. These shops need to take good roasters, good coffee shops as their role models. Go to Italy; go to Portland; Taste amazing espresso. That's inspiring and worth imitating.

If that's too difficult, here are a few suggestions. These shops need to come up with some set of standards. Like, perhaps, cleaning their machines from time to time. Timing their espresso shots. Training their employees. Learning what the following terms mean: doppio, macchiato, ristretto. That would be a really good beginning. If that is too much, please email me, and I will reveal to you all of Starbucks' secrets (I worked there for 3 years), so that you can at least have conistently mediocre coffee. That would still be an improvement.